Sharing with you all some quotes from THE MUSICIANS' JOKE BOOK
Many conductors are revered for their gentle, astute, and judicious guidance; most aren't. When Eugene Ormandy led the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra, the musicians recorded the following bon mots:
"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"
"I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't."
"Start three bars before something."
"The tempo remains pp."
"Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it soft."
"I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to."
"This is a very democratic organisation, so let's take a vote. All those who disagree with me, raise their hands."
"Why do you always insist on playing when I'm trying to conduct?"
* * *
MUSIC: a complex organisation of sounds, akin to noise and cacophony, that is set down by the composer and incorrect interpreted by the conductor, who is disregarded by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
* * *
What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull? On a bull, you have the horns up front and the asshole in the back, while in the orchestra…
* * *
A jazz trumpeter was hired as a last-minute substitute for a symphony orchestra concert. He was doing a fine job of sight-reading his part until the slow movement when, after a long, subdued cello solo, he suddenly stood up and wailed out a spectacular, if unexpected, solo. The conductor was astonished, but the impromptu solo was so beautiful he didn't try to stop it. However, after the concert he rushed up to the jazz trumpeter and said, "I don't men to criticise, that was truly one of the most beautiful and inspired musical experiences I've had for years, but what on earth made you do it?" "Well," the guy says, "my chart said 'Tac it,' so I did."
* * *
Entry exam for the BBC Symphony Orchestra's Viola section (NB: the pass mark is 10 points. Be careful: score over 25 points and you'll be disqualified.)
1. Who wrote the following?
(a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
(b) Faure's Requiem
(c) Wagner's Ring Cycle (5 points)
2. Tchaikovsky wrote six symphonies including Symphony No. 4. Name the other five. (5 points)
3. Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the back of this paper. (10 points)
4. Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.) (5 points)
5. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? (5 points)
6. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during the performance? (15 points)
7. Arrange the following words into the name of a well-known Puccini opera: Boheme, La. (5 points)
8. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? (10 points)
* * *
A reminder: the English horn, which is neither English nor a horn, should not be confused with the French horn, which is German.
* * *
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can reason with the terrorist.
What's another difference? Terrorists have sympathisers.
* * *
How many female singers does it take to sing "Crazy"? All of them.
* * *
How do you know if there's a lead singer outside your door? You don't: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
* * *
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
* * *
How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they can't get up that high.
* * *
Did you hear about the choral conductor who refused to programme the Messiah? He felt he couldn't Handel it.
* * *
Accent
An unusual manner of pronunciation
Accidentals
Wrong notes
Ad libitum
A premiere
Agitato
One's state of mind when a finger slips in the middle of a solo
Agnus Dei
A woman composer best know for her church music
Altered chord
A sonority that has been spayed
Attaca
"Fire at will!"
Augmented fifth
A 36-ounce bottle
Bar line
A gathering of thirsty people, which often contains one or more musicians
Bravo
A spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the audience following a particularly trying performance
Breve
The way a sustained note sounds when you run out of air
Cadence
When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't
Final cadence
When they FORCE you to stop
Cantus firmus
The part you get to play when you can only play four notes
Chords
A particularly type of pants, for example, "He wears chords."
Chromatic scale
An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds
Clef
Something to jump off if you have to teach high-school music
Coloratura soprano
A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a WILD time hunting for it
Conduct
Types of air vents in a prison, especially designed to prevent escapes.
Conductor
A musician who's adept at following many people at the same time.
Counterpoint
A favourite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established; still taught in many conservatories as a form of punishment
Countertenor
Singing waiter
Crescendo
A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly
Cut time
When you're going twice as fast as everybody else
Da capo al fine
"I like your hat!"
Detache
Indicates that the trombonists are to play with their slides removed
Discord
Used in contradistinction to Datcord
Ductia
(Latin, second declension) a lot of mallards
Dominant chord
Something use to tie up groupies
Espressivo
Close your eyes and play with a wide vibrato; a type of Italian coffee
Estampie
What you put on letter in Quebec
Fermata
A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers
Fine
"That sounded just great!"
Flat
What happens to a tonic if you forget to screw the cap back on
Flute
A sophisticated peashooter with a range of up to 500 yards; blown transversely to confuse the enemy
Form
The shape of a composition; the shape of the musician playing the composition; the pieces of paper to be filled out and submitted (in triplicate) in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition
Glissando
A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs
Half steps
Pace used by string bassists when carrying their instruments
Harmonic minor
A good music student
Harmonic major
A less talented music student
Harmony
A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above)
Hemiola
A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics
Isorhythmic motet
When some members of the consort got a different Xerox than the others
Lamentoso
With handkerchiefs
Mean-tone temperament
One's state of mind when everybody is trying to tune at the same time
Compound meter
A parking place for your car that requires two coins
Duple meter
May take any even number of coins
Meter signature
The name of the officer who writes you a ticket when you put an of number of coins in a duple meter
Triple meter
Only rich people should park by these
Minnesinger
A boy soprano
Modulation
Sage advice – as in "nothing is bad in modulation"
Musica ficta
When you lose your place and have to fake the notes
Notes
Small folded pieces of paper passed by students during music class
Parallel minor
A music student who is as tall as his instructor
Phase
What teaching music does to your nerves
Piano subito
Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist
Pitch
A tossing motion frequently used by orchestra players to hand in their music
Piu
A descriptive slang term
Pizzicato
A small Italian pie garnished with cheese, anchovies, etc
Preparatory beat
A threat made to singers, for example, "Sing or else!"
Prima donna
The soprano who generally dies in the last act of an opera of consumption (or, frequently, over-consumption)
Quaver
Beginning violinists
Semiquaver
Intermediate violinists
Refrain
"Don’t do it!"
Resolution
Oath frequently made by music teacher, for example, "I'm going to find another job tomorrow!"
Rhythm
A term frequently found in religious songs, for example, "He is rhythm from the dead"
Risoluto
Indicates to orchestra that they are stubbornly to maintain their own tempo, no matter what the conductor tries to do
Rubato
German measles
Sensible
This term I occasionally seen in Italian operas, but it is obviously a misprint
Senza Sordino
A term used to remind a string player that she forgot to put on her mute a few measures back
Sequence
Small, multifaceted ornaments sewn to a performer's costume that sparkle in the lights
Sharp
An adjective used to describe a musician whose opinions are in harmony with your own
Slur
As opposed to madam
Subdominant
Chief officer aboard a submarine
Supertonic
Schweppes
Diatonic
Low-calorie Schweppes
Suspension
The state one may find one's contract in if one repeats too many bad jokes
Tone cluster
A chordal orgy discovered by dropping off to sleep at the keyboard
Transposition
The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos
Trill
The musical equivalent of a seizure
Vibrato
Technique used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch
Virtuoso
A musician with very high morals
* * *
What do you call a drummer without a wife or a girlfriend? Homeless.
* * *
What do you call a musicians who can't afford to play anymore? Married.
* * *
How can you tell if a musician has been on the road too long? When he gets up at home in the middle of the night for a glass of milk, he opens his fridge. As the light goes on, he says, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
* * *
How many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb? One, two . . . one, two.
* * *
How many stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's not our job!"
"Five. Do you have a problem with that?"
* * *
How many record producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: two to design the concept and one to actually do it. Or, equally correct: I don't know. What do you think?
* * *
Restaurant patron: "Waiter, how late does the band here play?" Waiter: "Oh, usually about a half beat behind the conductor."
* * *
You can tune a banjo, but how to you tuna fish? By adjusting its scales.
* * *
How many Balkan dancers / musicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1, 2, 3/1, 2, 3, 4/1, 2/1, 2 . . .
* * *
What's the professional folk musician's greatest fantasy? A girlfriend with a job.
* * *
What's the difference between an insurance policy and a folk musician? The policy will eventually mature and earn an income.
* * *
What's the difference between an Uzi submachine gun and an old-time tune?
The gun only repeats 40 times.
* * *
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A –flat minor.
* * *
Why did J S Bach have so many children? Because he didn't have any stops on his organ.
* * *
A musicologist decided to go to Beethoven's grave and dig up the famous composer. When he got to the coffin and opened it, he found Beethoven madly erasing all of his music. "What in the world are you doing?" he asked. "Why," Beethoven replied, "I'm de-composing."
* * *
(This one requires two people), First person: What's the most important aspect of telling musician jokes? Second person (interrupting): Timing.
