DO YOU?

Taken from Yushan's blog:

1. Do You Know How To Iron?

Extremely amateurish ironing - basically I only iron the parts of the clothes that can lie flat onto the ironing board.

2. Do You Know How To Cook?

I know how to cook noodles - instant noodles in a cup.
I know how to prepare kaya toast: place the bread inside the microwave oven, toast it, and then spread kaya over it.
Easy, eh?

3. Do You Make Your Own Bed?

Of course I have to . . . the bunk must be in stand-by conditions at all times.

4. Do You Mop Or Sweep The Floor?

Sweep the floor . . . mostly the toilet floor, because I'm a toilet cleaner.

5. Do You Know How To Wash Clothes?

Amateurish washing of clothes . . . usually I let the washing machine do the job for me when I book-out.

6. Do You Have A Maid?

Nope.

7. Do You Help Wash The Dishes?

Everybody washes his or her own dishes at home

8. Do You Wash The Toilet?

Haha, my daily profession! I'm one of the three toilet cleaners in my platoon!

9. Do You Go To The Wet Market?

Nope.

10. Do You Litter Your Room, Then Not Clean It Up?

Nope, because my father will screw me upside down

11. How Do You Wake Up In The Morning?

Either (1) the Bunk I/C or Platoon I/C claps twice loudly, or (2) wake up at 4:30am, look at the watch, say, "Shit! Half an hour more" get back to bed, laze around a bit and then get up for good, or (3) automatically sit up on the bed, look at the time and then realize that it's time to get moving.

FUNNY TUBE (LONDON UNDERGROUND) ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE "GOING UNDERGROUND" WEBSITE

URL: http://solo2.abac.com/themole/

(You'd probably never get to hear this on your squeaky-clean trains run by MRT and SBS Transit)

Home-time, on the District Line, I and several hundred other passengers and indeed the station announcer at Earl's Court were thoroughly confused by the signal men. I hopped on the tube at Victoria thinking that I was on a Richmond bound train. At Earl's Court, the platform indicator said Parsons Green. I ignored this as ...well, when did you last believe what the indicator at Earl's Court said? Anyway, there were several loud announcements and it turned out that the train was going to Parson's Green. Unfortunately the carriage was packed with Italian students who didn't get off. Now maybe they knew something I didn't, because they all carried on to Parsons Green, which is completely in the wrong direction to Richmond. Perhaps I should have been public spirited and said "Are you sure you all want to go to Parson's Green", but my Italian is non existent, so I didn't!

Anyway on the platform of Earl's Court, the female announcer was beginning to get a bit harrassed and apologises for the boards and enthusiastically tells us that the next Richmond train is just leaving South Kensington and will be with us in four minutes time. She then gave us minute by minute updates apologising for the confusion.

Four minutes later and the train appears with 'Richmond' on the platform indicator. We're all about to pile on the train, when lo and behold it changed to 'Parsons Green' again.

"I am sorry," the announcer says "I was told this train was going to Richmond and the signal men have changed their mind and this train is now going to Parsons Green".

The same thing happened with a train that was supposed to be going to Ealing Broadway and ended up going to Wimbledon instead.

Another four minutes and a Richmond train appeared. The announcer was now in full swing "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."

* * *

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"

* * *

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."

* * *

Whilst travelling Eastbound on the Piccadilly Line the driver announced "This is Knightsbridge Station... All change here for Mr Fayed's little corner shop . . ."
Laughter all around, apart from the Americans sitting opposite who didn't get the joke!"

* * *

There's this London Underground driver who was clearly either on drugs, or delirously happy, or both. He talks about people singing along with buskers, getting someone who's come on the train with an ironing board to do the ironing, and how every man on the carriage should stand up for any Mum as it's Mother's Day tomorrow.

"I had recieved a phone call from my colleague a train operator at Wembley Park depot on the Jubilee line. He told me that he had heard my rather over the top announcements on this web site. I of course immediately went online and have to say I'm for once speechless. That could be a first for me. In case you're wondering I'm the guy you've taped and called the really really top train operator. I'm glad and I know the majority of passengers enjoy the odd banter or five and just to confirm I am sane not on drugs, generally happy and smiling and that's not wind. There is lots more to come maybe even the Friday night request ride announcing birthdays etc for those who wish. Maybe even tonight when I start at 5.00pm. Catch me if you can. A big cheers!"

* * *

"A District Line train To Parsons Green the driver said over the intercom (whispering) This train is for Parsons Green calling at all the f***ing STATIONS to Parsons Green"

Then about 5 mins after the driver shouted loudly down the intercom "I AM VERY SORRY FOR MY LANGUAGE I HAVE BEEN SACKED YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER DRIVER AT FULHAM BROADWAY!!!!!!"

* * *

"There had been a problem on the Central Line and as usual at Leyton you can see the trains queued back down the track, but one train was still standing at the platform even though he had a green light. I was beginning to wonder why the driver wasn't moving off when he made this announcement.

"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

* * *

On the Central line; unfortunately I didn't see the people it was directed at.

"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

* * *
From the guard on a GNER train which broke down before it managed to leave Kings X.

"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

* * *

"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"

* * *

"This is like that tv advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant!"

* * *

"One Sunday afternoon at Camden town station - which gets very crowded indeed due to the Camden Lock market - I heard the platform announcer giving the usual 'Please let the passengers off the train first' request. He repeated this request about four or five times becoming more audibly frustrated each time with the customers obvious reluctance to do so. After his final exasperated and rather shrill 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

* * *

"I take the Hammersmith & City Line every morning from Hammersmith to Moorgate. This morning the trip took me about 20 min longer than usual. Long stop in Paddington, long stop in Baker Street - but no explanation. It stopped again in the tunnel just outside Moorgate. After having sat there freezing for about 10 min the announcement came at last: "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the MONDAY MORNING BLUES" I have heard a lot of excuses before - but a depressive computer??"

* * *

This is what happened on a Jubilee Line train about a week before Xmas.

"It was a pretty average day on the Jubilee line - I'd had to wait over 10 minutes at Bond Street at the height of the evening rush hour. Eventually a train signalled for Wembley Park turned up, and we all piled on. Unfortunately, when we pulled into West Hampstead, it was announced that the train was terminating there. It was a freezing cold night, and by the time the next train turned up 8 minutes later, nobody was in the mood to wait for the next train which was signalled for an impressive 13 minutes later. So again, we all piled on - squashed on like sardines as usual - only to hear the driver come over the intercom about 30 seconds later to say (and I quote): 'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door'."

* * *

"I was at Mill Hill East the other day, a quiet tube station, and the driver of the train said something like

"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

* * *

Risque one heard on the District Line

"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

* * *

"Could the guy who has decided to defecate at the end of Platform Two, now please be aware that all the rest of the passengers waiting for their trains know you are there and you will have to walk past them to leave the station. There is no other means of escape. "

He then went on, a couple of minutes later to tell us all when the chap in question was leaving and where to look. I was very surprised to see that he was a well dressed man in a suit carrying a brief case. Must have been a very bad case of the trots. Haven't seen him again at Lewisham station. 'spect he has now left the country. "


* * *

"Taking the Central Line from Epping one morning, there was a delay (fairly inevitable these days) in starting the journey. The driver, or 'train operator' as they prefer to be known as, came on the tannoy and said he wasn't sure of the delay, but was making enquiries. We then heard his radio crackle into life and he proceeded to have a discussion with his colleague over the radio regarding the hold up of departure. Whether it was deliberate or not, the driver failed to switch off the tannoy system, and an already full train of commuters heard the comment "bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

Sad but true, they don't.

* * *

At Whitechapel on a H&C train: (Stuck at Whitechapel for 10 mins...) "Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."

* * *

On central line train: (Very slow moving...) "We have what is technically known as a Frank Spencer Situation... Hmm Betty, we've got a little bit of trouble..."

* * *

On East London line train: (Heard the guy say this a couple of times when I was working in Lewisham) [In deep voice, and with heavy, laid back West Indian accent:] "We are now approaching New Cross station... Please make sure you have all your belongings with you when you leave the train... I hope you enjoyed your journey and you found it nice and relaxing... And I hope you have a wonderful day today...good bye..."

* * *

"Today while travelling on the jubilee line Gary our rather amusing driver gave out the following announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?...... The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my names Gary how do you do?"

* * *

"I heard this waiting for a train from Paddington to Oxford Circus: "This is the Line Control Room at Baker Street. The Bakerloo Line is running normally today, so you may expect delays to all destinations." "

* * *

"I heard on this on the Waterloo and City line heading to Bank one morning. There was quite a bit more, but unfortunately, I can't remember it all. 'Well good morning everyone and welcome to your Waterloo and City Line service on this lovely, yummy, lemon-scummy day. This is your Waterloo....' then realising that he had already said Waterloo and City Line service, 'train...service...thingy'. Then as we approached Bank,'Well ladies and gentlemen. I can see a light in front of me which I think is probably Bank station, so that's good isn't it? But I personally was hoping for Calais. Perhaps next time, eh?".

* * *

Northern line: "Ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, then I think we will carry right on through the channel tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris".

* * *

Waterloo and City Line: "Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City line, sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make out way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this train will terminate, we would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lapdancers for your entertainment - have a good weekend."

* * *

Heard at Aldgate East one busy morning "Please use all available doors, there are some really good ones at the front of the train!"

* * *

At Canada Water on the East london Line "we're going to wait here for a bit so I suggest you stretch youre legs, it's alright I won't go without you" later on the same journey at Wapping "Sorry ladies and gentlemen we'll have to wait here for a bit I've been told a computer has fallen off a table somewhere and all the signals have gone wrong so we're stuck"

* * *

"Waiting to depart from Tower Hill, sitting on a train that had terminated there and was turning around to go back, the driver said 'welcome to this lovely train - taking the scenic route to Richmond'. I'm sure you can imagine the ironic tone of voice with which it was uttered.... Great site."

* * *

"I remember stories a few years back about a rastafarian guy who used to work at Camden Tube but was sacked after making announcements like 'the next train is arriving from another dimension'- or words to that effect."

* * *

"I was on the Northern line one evening and when it stopped at Borough station, the doors opened and the announcment came through. "You have 5 seconds, 1...2...3...4...5." Then the doors slammed shut again. Also, one morning in rush hour, I was on the Northern line again, and we all got chucked out of the tube because it was broken. Obviously when the next tube came along, we all tried to get on, and there was lots of "Please stand clear of the DOORS" before we could get going. When we finally started moving again, the driver says over the tannoy, "This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

* * *

"I heard this on the Northern line recently: "Ladies and gentlemen this train has 22 doors on each side, please feel free to use all of them, not just the two in the middle".

* * *

"I too have experienced the "too many trains ahead, don't want you to get hot and sticky" while waiting on the Circle line at Kings Cross. However, more amusing was the announcement at Liverpool Street Circle Line from the platform staff: "This is information for passengers waiting on platform 2. There is no information. I'm hoping to have some soon and as soon as I do, I'll let you have it.".

* * *

"On one occasion, the train had stopped at Barking (Upminster bound), and seemed to pause for a long time. Eventually there came the announcement, "We're ...erm... sorry for the delay. This is because the train is waiting for a new driver. Not that there was anything wrong with the old one. But, ..., well. we're waiting for a new one."

"Another occasion, I had just boarded the District line at Mile End, and the train had just pulled out of the station when it ground to a halt. There was a short pause before the driver said, "We're sorry for the delay, but there's a doggy on the track in front of us" (yes, he did actually say "doggy"!!). "In a minute the lights will go off, while we get the doggy moved to a place of safety." Lights go off, we all sit in anxious silence. 3 minutes later, lights back on. "You'll be pleased to know that the doggy has now been removed from the track and is safe and well, so we can resume our journey."

* * *

"Got another announcement one for you. 23 October around 6:40pm, Baker Street had been shut due to overcrowding (personally the easiest way around that is to let the trains stop, but never mind). As my Met line approached heading towards Amersham an announcement came over from the driver saying. "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

"Also, way back in the early 90s when the DLR first opened to Bank the Captain could be heard of the tannoy saying. "We are now approaching the new tunnel, so after three...1, 2, 3 wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Anyway, great website!

* * *

"On my way down the Northern Line, the train stopped in a tunnel. After a few minutes, the driver's voice came: "sorry for the delay, but there has been an incident at King's Cross. Someone has attacked the driver (*big sigh*) 9.15am on a Monday morning and there's been an incident already. The police have been called. (*Pause*) It's a good thing I'm not a policeman, because I'd lock them all up for life. (*pause* *lower voice*) either that or shoot them."

* * *

"While they were finishing off the Jubilee line extension, having told people it would be out of action for yet another few months, I heard the following announcement on the Victoria line:
'just to remind passengers, that owing to management incompetence, the Jubilee line will not be open until... I repeat, the Jubilee line will not be reopening until... this is due to management incompetence'

I forget the exact reopening date, but the message continued...

'also, I would like to apologise for the delay to your SO CALLED Victoria line service, this was due to ... errr the wrong kind of rain!!' "

* * *

"A friend of a friend (etc..) worked as a station assistant at Warren Street station and one day whilst making a public announcement re busking/begging on London Underground, got the two slightly confused and came up with the following gem: "London Underground would like to remind everyone that buggering is not allowed at any Underground station!"

* * *

"About 2 years ago, I was on a Central Line Eastbound train at Bank. The driver had been making jokes about 'minding the doors' and 'waiting for passengers to leave the train first', since I'd got on at Oxford Circus. But the best one was at Bank Station.

"He asked the passengers for the second time to 'mind the doors' (and the gap!) and then added 'Yes you, the woman in the long brown coat, love. I suggest you should shave your legs in future, it'll stop the hairs getting caught in the doors. Look at her everyone! Mingin!'. (PAUSE) Anyway, have a safe journey please, mind the doors, the doors are closing.' I promise you this actually happened. I remember it as if it was yesterday!"

* * *

"During the security alerts brought about by the IRA in the early-mid 90's, our westbound District Line train waited for some 45 mins outside Westminster station "due to a security alert". The following was a genuine announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...." And yes after a couple of green bottles, most had joined in and we completed the song. The driver then went mysteriously quiet."

* * *

"We were held outside of Green Park on the Victoria Line, cue this:

'Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen, it's happened again. Delays on your Victoria line and all sorts of trouble on the Jubilee. Gawd only knows what's going on there, it's gonna take more than Ken Livingstone to sort that tube out. By the way, Green Park is our next stop. Thankyou."

We eventually rolled into Green Park to this merry announcement...

"This is Green Park, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Grrreeeen Park. Change here for ..... and the Jubilee line if you're desperate. Hope you've got plenty of time if you go for that one. This is Grrrrreeeeen Park"

* * *

"Reminded me of one heard on the Central Line a few months ago. I was sitting in the front carriage, right behind the drivers er.. "compartment" and heard: "Oh for f***'s sake!", followed by a PA announcement something like "Apologies for the delay but we have lost power to the train as you can tell by the blinding speed at which we're travelling. I'll give more information as soon as I get any!"

* * *

"We are taking the scenic route to Upminster on the District Line." Yeah, Yeah - I think I've heard that before, but then he said "All stations to Upminster with the exception of Cannon Street, which does not stop there on Saturdays due to ....(PAUSE) ...total lack of interest."

* * *

"Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway, once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way".

* * *

On the Circle Line, bottlenecked south of Liverpool St:
"I apologise for the delay, caused by trying to fit too many trains onto too little track."

* * *

Non-Tube ones:
Virgin service London-Manchester, heavily delayed: "We are now approaching Manchester Piccadilly. On behalf of Virgin Trains I'd like to apologise that you had to put up with such an awful journey, and can only hope that your day doesn't get any worse."

Central Trains, Norwich-Liverpool (in strong Norfolk accent):
"We apologise for the late departure from Norwich, which was a result of the driver having had his car wheel-clamped."

* * *

I have my own particular favourite announcement. I was going back to Putney on a late night District Line train. There were some guys smoking in one of the carriages so at Putney Bridge the driver announced "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

* * *

"The auto announcements weren't working so the driver was making the announcments himself. We arrived at Green Park and heard the following: ' Change for Pictoria and Vicadilly Lines'! Much laughter in the first car!"

* * *

"I use the District line everyday (worse luck) and there have been a few classics, the most notable being the morning the driver made his usual "stand clear of the doors announcement" and forgot to turn off his PA! It was great fun, as he was effin and blinding all the way to East Putney (I dunno who he was talking to!) when some kindly soul spoilt our fun.

* * *

During a spate of the dreaded points/signal failures at Southfields - after we managed to pass Southfields (in only 40 mins from Wimbledon) the driver said "we are all clear now, and should be fine. Until the next bloody problem that is"

* * *

More sardonic tones in this one: "On a Northern Line train last week the driver made this announcement..."Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate". then, a minute later, "Ladies and gentlemen...this train IS stopping at Highgate, and of course I'm the last to know"

* * *

"I was on my way home from work a few months ago (travelling through Oxford Circus tube station), when a bored voice came over the tannoy "Please note that begging is not permitted in any part of London Underground", there was a short pause and the voice continued "however to the gentleman busking away happily next to the escalators, please carry on and enjoy yourself. The transport police have been called and should be with you shortly..."

* * *

"Just a quick note about the Victoria Line Driver noted earlier on the site. (Grrrrrrreen Park). I'm glad he's been spotted. Militant striker or not - his enthusiastic delivery of station knowledge certainly brightens up every journey I share with him ... As an example: "High Berry ... and .... Is Ling Ton!"

"Then he runs down what seems the complete list of stations you can travel to from the place, and on which train companies.

"He completes: "Ladies and Gentlemen: High Berry ... And ... Is Ling Ton!"

"To break the monotony of him not speaking, he plays those pre-recorded little messages so that we "Please remember that smoking is not permited on any London Underground train." Etc, etc.

* * *

A Piccadilly Line driver pulled into Turnpike Lane station reading a copy of The Mirror

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train and not a bin on wheels."

* * *

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

* * *

"I am sorry about the delay. Apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly. In bits."

* * *

To all footy fans here's one from Stevinho from North London

"On a journey from Central London to Arsenal for an important mid week Champions League game the driver made the following announcement: 'The next stop is Arsenal, For those of you that wish to see Tony Adams standing around for 90 minutes with his arm in the air please get off here. Not my cup of tea but there you go!'

* * *

"Travelling west one Friday evening on the District line, there had been a suicide at Mile End station. The driver made the following announcement as we were about to leave Bow Road. "Mile End station is closed. This train will not be stopping at Mile End. The next stop will be Turnham Green". Which was perhaps a little excessive, given the 20 odd stations in between. Perhaps he meant Stepney Green!!

* * *

"More recently on an east bound district line from Embankment: "We're sorry for the delay. This is due to the incompetence of the signal operators in the Aldgate area".

And then the driver who sounded so fed up when he said, "Please allow the passengers off the train first. It's easier that way."

* * *

Here's one I heard on the Piccadilly Line "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

* * *

"During a last-tube journey on the Victoria line, my boyfriend and I were in the front carriage, and whilst stuck in a tunnel we heard every sound in the driver's cab, as the driver stood up, undid his trousers, and peed out of his cab window. "

* * *

"A fairly normal morning on the Jubilee line, about twenty minutes late and the train stopped at Baker Street. The usual announcement and then "and as I am sure you all know folks it is now only xx shopping days till Christmas and everyone is getting in the mood for festivities. If any of you would like to send my a Christmas card my names is Richard, I usually do this run on the Jubilee line and you can find me at the front of the train." Only me and this other girl actually laughed. Everyone else looked appalled!!!

* * *

"In the mornings, there is always a change of driver at Rickmansworth. This changeover always seems to take forever, and one morning we found out why from the station announcer:
"Mr Adams, would you please stop gassing to Mr Farnham and get this bloody train out of the station!"

* * *

Also one morning from the station announcer to a bunch of schoolkids on the platform:
"You lot sitting where you think I can't see you - put that fag out, what would your parents think?"

* * *

"During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.

* * *

"On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of the train, the driver announced: 'you should have done it mate, it might have knocked some sense into you'.

"On the Jubilee Line, when most of the train was stuck in a tunnel but the driver's cab was just outside: 'well ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to tell you it's a lovely sunny day outside...but of course you wouldn't know that, because you're sitting in the dark'.

* * *

This was at Holborn tube, 18:45 Friday: (Emphasis in caps) "This is a TRAIN, get ON IT, go HOME, see you Monday."

* * *

And another from a long time ago on a northbound train at Kennington, where the Northern Line splits to go via the City (Bank) of the West End (Waterloo) in a very deadpan voice: "This train is for all stations to Edgware via Waterloo, which means that if you want to go to Bank you're on the wrong train."

* * *

"I think it was on a (delayed) Jubilee line train to Green park, when over the tannoy came: "this train is delayed due to err... someone upset the computer while playing alex harvey music on an MP3... oh, if anyone meets a guy called Cory Berry, tell him that he stinks"

* * *

"Got on a District Line train home one afternoon, and got to Earls Court with no problems. After about 5 mins and God knows how many "Mind The Doors" announcements, the driver proceeds with the following announcemnt: "Would the person with the black bag please put it in, I don't get it what is it with you people? You have a big bag and you have to accommodate for that on the train, you can't leave it hanging out of the doors. It's hot, I wanna get home, you wanna get home, so let's all co-operate, keep our hands,legs and bags inside the train and we can get home quickly, OK?"

* * *

I was waiting on the Jubilee line platform at London Bridge Last night (13/2/02) and heard the following announcement from, what I imagined to be the station controller:

"To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northen Line - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out!"

* * *

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

* * *

"Earlier in the week a "Passenger Service Agent" (I think that that is what they are called) kindly did his bit for the London tourist industry, informing us that "The next station is Cutty Sark for the Greenwich Maritime Museum". This put a smile on the faces of a lot of still sleepy commuters. It was 6.45 in the morning....."

* * *

"We apologise for the delays to services tonight, this is caused by extended intervals between trains." Really!

* * *

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of couse, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

Provoked a laugh from the whole train. Can't remember which station it was heard on, but I think was on the Central Line."

* * *

Here's one recently heard at Baron's Court on the Piccadilly Line: "Please mind the gap when leaving the train. If you're not leaving the train, there's no need to mind the gap. It's all right, you're safe." Surreal and slightly worrying!

* * *

"Staggering off a all night flight from America I got on to the tube at Heathrow with a number of bleary eyed fellow travelers. After 5 or 6 minutes the tube doors closed but nothing happened. A slightly threatening voice then came over the intercom "Welcome back to life in the fast lane" and with that the train took off!"

* * *

From a lady driver (not too many of them around): "she was top and was full of wry comments throughout my journey on the Piccadilly Line from Hammersmith to Covent Garden. Firstly "To the gentleman with the camera who just took a picture of this train, I am happy to pose for any photographs, but please make sure you do not use flash as it can cause a distraction to us drivers and I'm told your pictures will come out better with no flash"

Later in the same journey when the train was really packed, doors close on some people getting on, open again quickly and lady driver's dulcet tones "As much as I don't want to separate friends, please mind the doors, the train is about to leave".

* * *

On leaving the Victoria train I heard the platform assistant say: "Welcome to Euston. You can change here for the Northern line, go upstairs to the mainline station or just wonder around the area. But hey, it's Friday so lets all be happy. Good afternoon passengers...You were meant to say good afternoon back. I'll say it again. Good afternoon passengers"

At this point there were a few calls of "Good afternoon" from inside the train.

"Sorry that was rubbish.I could hardly hear you. I can keep this train here all day you know. So come on... Good afternoon passengers".

At this point a loud "Good Afternoon" was heard from the train. "There, now that didn't hurt did it? Have a good weekend"

I could hear much laughter from the passengers as the train as the doors closed. Who need to wait for Christmas for pantomimes."

* * *

From a regular passenger to Walthamstow: "I heard one on the Victoria line once at Seven Sisters I supposed to be on a train to Walthamstow, but it stopped short at Seven Sisters. The Driver announced "All change please, this train terminates here, if you wanted Walthamstow you were on the wrong train in the first place. Please cross over to platform 3 for the next Walthamstow train" Really made me laugh all the way home!!"

* * *

"I was once travelling on the Victoria line during peak hour, when I had the fortune of having a humourous driver who said:

"This is the northbound Victoria line train. Please move right down inside the carriage to allow more people to get on." Normal so far. Then he continued "Move right down inside please - it's a Friday afternoon, the weekend has just started, and we all would like to get home. Please move inside the carriages so everyone can board the train. I know it is a bit squashy, but you never know, you might make a new friend to spend the weekend with. Mind the closing doors, please". There were many chuckles, and it raised everyones spirits a bit!

* * *

"Whilst having a night out up town one evening, my mum and dad were standing on the platform waiting for a train. As the train was approaching, the guard piped up "Would everybody please take one big step backwards please!" After a small pause, the guard made a different request "Anybody with their back to the platforms edge, who are on the yellow line, please ignore my last message!". To which the platform of people burst out laughing and the humorous guard piped up "Heh, I'd thought you'd like that one!!!"

* * *

Someone who calls themselves Potato Chip came up with the following: "On a lazy Monday afternoon a couple of weeks back there was a rather entertaining announcement at London Bridge on the Northern Line branch by the one of the station announcers. There was a man on the end of the platform bouncing his basketball. He recieved this message. "To the man bouncing his ball on the platform, please take yourself and your ball to the nearest playground! In other words, the middle of the road right outside the station!" I hope you'll be glad to know he DIDN'T die by being run over after that incident, though he has been recently spotted (with his ball) at Canary Wharf having trouble holding it going down the escalators!"

* * *

Heard on the District Line: "We were arriving into Victoria when a young man decided to drop his pants and show us his bottom. Quick as a flash the driver said "To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!" Nice!!!!

* * *
Another top one at Victoria station: "The driver announced, "This is Victoria Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift." The train must have been full of tourists because my fellow passengers looked confused!"

* * *

During the recent Central Line crash Nat reports: "Well I'd just like to say thank you to my train driver who made us all laugh (except the two deaf ladies sitting next to me) when the accident happened on the Central Line. I wasn't in the crash thankfully but I was stuck on the train for a very very long time. So the driver was great and made the best comments to make us all relax. I remember him saying 'You might have to pull out a pack of cards or do the unthinkable and talk to your fellow passengers.' There's nothing like a fun train driver, so thanks to the Londoner who made me smile. Good 4 you, you deserve a promotion!!"

* * *

From East London comes Matty with this: "There was me and two other blokes in the elevator going down to that last train towards Edgware a few years ago at Mornington Crescent, as as we were going down that elevator the speaker came out with 'This is Big Brother, there will be no voting in this room, please wait until you arrive at the diary room'. needless to say we were all chuckling by the end of that.

* * *

"After being stuck in a tunnel for about ten mins, the driver came over the PA and said: "I am afraid this train is being delayed, if possible please arrange for alternative transport". I tried to commute on the Astral plane, but it didn't work out!

* * *

"London Bridge announcers appear to have got it sorted (from earlier entries I read). My friend was waiting the other night for the Northern Line when the tannoy burst into life with the following, which I think sums up British understatement: "When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you"

Imagine the tone that it was delivered with!

* * *

"The first train at Brixton Station is full of dishevelled-looking clubbers all nursing hangovers (and comedowns). I think the train driver must have known this when he got on the announcer and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, this train will be leaving in...10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...we have blastoff!.....please mind the doors." It was the only way to get a reaction out of any of us lot.... "

* * *

The wonders of mobile phones: "A few years ago whilst waiting for the late-nighter one evening at Paddington tube. The PA came on and we heard "When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can't? Thank you."

* * *

"Covent Garden has been closed due overcrowding. Please alight at Leicester Square and wander around aimlessly with your huge rucksacks until you get to your destination. You never know, they might install escalators one day!"

* * *

Got a funny announcement on the District Line one evening, the driver announced "This train willl not be stopping at Mansion House as no one ever gets on or off there. If you did want Mansion House it's tough cos I'm not stopping."

* * *

"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."

* * *

This happened a few years back. Oxford Circus, Victoria line platform, hot summer afternoon, the rush hour well on its way, no trains are shown to be coming. Moment by moment more and more people, the platform is already packed but somehow people get on. It is hot, becoming hotter every moment, as are the tempers... And suddenly, there is the voice of the station announcer: "Welcome to the happy hour!" General laughter. It felt like it saved the day.

* * *

Comment heard from very tired driver outside Acton Town on a train that had been stopping every 200 yards from Hammersmith: "I apologise for the delays to your service this evening. This is due to..... well, it's just a crap service isn't it?"

* * *

From the Docklands Railway: "Whilst going to London Arena to see some bands, we were held up along the way, I can't quite remember where. The doors opened and shut a few times in our carriage before the driver said, "Could the lightweight who can't hold his drink get out of the way of the doors. Yes you, move it." Much cheering from all the gig goers! "

* * *

"Last year December, I was waiting at Stratford for the train when I heard the following announcement: "Your next train on Platform 4 will be the 22:01 to Romford. To the guy that has been in the waiting room since 20:00 : Wake up and go home".

* * *

"My friend and I had alighted at Piccadilly Circus to go to Kings Cross, and our train driver was a rather peeved lady. At every stop and throughout the journey, her voiced boomed through the tannoy: "Passengers are advised not to enter the middle carriage as it has been sealed off."

Seeing as one whole carriage was empty while the rest were packed full, there were some passengers, ignorant to her request, who attempted to enter the empty carriage.

As they tried, the tone of her voice rose, becoming more irate and aggressive. "The middle carriage has been sealed off - do NOT enter it!" Again, no one listened so at the next stop, she stopped the train completely!

"I keep telling you NOT to enter the middle carriage as it has been sealed off! Somebody has puked in it, OK??"

She then proceeded to describe the content of the aforementioned 'mess' before continuing her rant. A few minutes later, she returned to apologise for her rude behaviour to all the passengers who just laughed in response. "

* * *

A very dangerous sounding announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I`m sorry for the delay, I have just been informed this is due to people on the ROOF of the train ahead.....(long pause.....very quizzical sounding): "Yes, you are probably thinking some of the things I am, but thats what I`ve been told by my control"

* * *

"Travelling to work one morning on the Picadilly Line when the train stopped in a tunnel between stations. The driver came on the tannoy after about five minutes and said "My apologies for the delay - I haven't got a clue what's going on". After another five minutes he was back on the tannoy and still clueless as to why we were delayed. He apologised once more and we sat there for another ten minutes. Finally he came back over the speakers and said in a fed up voice "Apparently we are delayed here, on the Picadilly line, due to earlier delays on the Metropolitan Line... Go figure!"

* * *

A great announcement heard waiting for everyone to pile on the Metropolitan at Baker Street during rush hour.

"Yes, that's right people - this IS the last tube of the day. There will be no more trains. Everybody pile on. There won't be another in 5 minutes! Keep pushing and you might make it!"

The irony was wasted on some - which made it great as they started asking people around them whether that was right, and would the buses still be running????? Had me in stitches!!

* * *

"Keep your appendages inside the doors, please" says the driver..... "I hope that if you're changing here to continue your journey on anaother line that your next journey is as nice as this one was. That's if this one was nice of course, which it probably was if you were standing alongside an attractive person".

Followed by "When you're leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does....that was irony by the way" And: " That's right - kill for seats. You've only been sitting down all day after all" And "I'm not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who's going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice." And finally before Alex alighted: "Come on - smile! It could be worse. You could be stuck on a plane being struck with deep vein thrombosis."

The Straits Time, Friday, 27 August 2004: Forum (Pg 24)

"MUSIC OFF-KEY, ART DRAWS NO INTEREST IN SCHOOLS"
By SATISH K. KHATTAR

I applaud Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's insight into some of the education woes and certainly hope his speech at the National Day Rally will create a stir within education circles.

I was reminded of a well-known fact: our kids hate music lessons and even art - but only in school.

Can anyone really hate music or art? The person who has no music in him, Shakespeare once said, is dangerous.

My kids detest music lessons in school, cursing the recorder as an instrument of torture. Yet they gyrate to music at home, sing songs for family audiences and are even keen to learn to play the piano or tabla. Same kids.

I remember, during my school days, one of the students even feigned a stomach ache during music lesson and remained in the toilet throughout, terrified by both the music teacher and the recorder (yes, we too had the dreadful recorders then). Surely, this should not be the case?

My kids also go for art lessons every week outside of school and come back with really inspiring drawings. In contrast, they turn in drab pieces of artwork in school. Same kids, different results.

Surely, music and art are worthy of better respect and appreciation in schools as they bring out a nobler humanity in us all. Music, after all, as Shakespeare so eloquently put I, "can tame the savage beast" in all of us.

I think part of the problem is that we do not have (or have not nurtured) enough quality music and art teachers who can inspire a love of the arts. This stems form an even-larger problem: we are giving the arts a low priority in schools.

Can we fault our "savage" kids then, who grow up without a passion for the arts?

Also, what does this say of us as a nation: that we are only superficially engaging in the arts, preferring instead of focus on the money-making aspects of life and business?

Perhaps PM Lee's speech is a good starting point to re-assess ourselves and the kind of education that we want for our kids.

Beyond the undeniably important academic thrust, let us give our kids a fair balance by inculcating an active joy in music and art.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I've always deplored the way most music and art lessons are conducted in schools.

In music lesson, you sing songs, play the recorder, learn how to read a bit of notation, learn a bit of rhythm and some ti-ta-tika-ta whatsoever thing.

In art lesson, you do a variety of activities, but what you think is good may not always be the case form the teachers' point of view.

The finer aspects of music are often left unappreciated. Usually kids go and discover their Jay Chous and A-meis and Linkin' Parks form recommendation by their friends, or when they go out to Orchard Road and come across street muzak. Tell them about Mozart and Beethoven and Bach (usually mispronounced as "batch") and Chopin (again misread as "chopping") and you get a variety of responses: (1) they will draw inverted McDonald's signs in the air using their fingers, while singing "di-di-di-dah"; (2) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee . . . sian arh; (3) ? ? ?

Everybody talks about music education. But what in the right sense, and in the right way, is truly "music education"? Are we supposed to formulate that "music = recorder" and "music = singing"? And is Classical music (a term which I seriously dislike, and disapprove, of using; serious or concert hall/chamber music would sound much better since "classical" refers to a specific era in the history of European music) really limited to Bach, Mozart, Beethoven and Chopin? There's more than meets the eye. Consider the Americans, who fuse jazz, country and cowboy influences in their pieces. Consider Bartok, Brahms, Grainger, Britten, Vaughan Williams, who quote elements of folk music in their works. Not to mention the nationalists, i.e. Sibelius, Grieg, Dvorak, Smetana, the Mighty Fistful et cetera. There's enough music out there to fit one each to every Singaporean. Not to forget works for the stage, including ballets, musicals and operettas (operas are much too long and difficult for younger people to appreciate).

Go further form the Western tradition. How about music form the South Americas, Africa and Asia? Some of them have influenced the way modern writers score out their pieces.

What approach should music education take? Listening. Exposure. Hands-on. Children, especially those in Primary School, are impressionable. Take a piece of music, play it to them without introducing anything about it to them, and watch their response. Finally, reveal what piece it is. If they like it, play more of that particular composer's works. There are also videos to serve as educational models, such as the highly-regarded Young People's Concerts produced by Leonard Bernstein. Or why not the conductors of our various orchestras make a trip down to the schools to conduct lessons, and carry their wide knowledge of repertoire to share with everyone? They could bring their band along to show off to the kids.

My music teacher in Chung Cheng, Mr Chua Ying Hwee, used to show us videos of musical performances in Secondary Three. We watched Riverdance, Anchors Aweigh!, the Wizard of Oz and the Prince of Egypt. By then music lessons were reduced to a half-hour session per week. We simply cherished those moments, and craved for more. Now, this is what music education should be. Think of it: most of my classmates are the kind of people who enjoy heavy metal rock and pop music. You wouldn't find them at a symphony concert, let alone a musical.

There ought to be creative leeway in the approach to art education. Each individual should be allowed to develop his or her style, be it sophisticated, or just simple, more like a child's scrawl. There shouldn't be marks given for artwork, because the mark reflects the teacher's biasness or opinions about the work presented to him or her. What matters is self-criticism form the artist. Even a primary school kid should be asked: "Do you like your drawing? If you were to draw it again, how would you do it?" There should NEVER be: "how can you improve your drawing?" It simply means the work is fucked-up in the eyes of the teacher and he or she is trying to CHANGE the individual artistry of the person. To take it further, this is how you create a society of non-entrepreneurs: people who are too afraid to be different or to step upon a place where no one has gone before. What an art teacher ought to focus on is technique, i.e. the basics in handling different medium. Then the kid should be left alone to do what he or she wants with the skills that he or she has acquired.

The point about music and art being "worthy of better respect and appreciation in schools" draws a close link to the movie "Mr Holland's Opus", where Mr Holland, the music teacher in a school, tries to fight for the school's music programme to remain despite cuts in the budget, but looses the battle in the end. A quote by the principal of the school which still lingers on: "If I were to choose between music and long division I'd choose long division." Although the principal feels sorry for Mr Holland, you can still see that he doesn't give a damn about music education. Maths and science are considered "priorities" that everybody should set their sights on; in Singapore schools they take up a majority of the weekly slot on the timetable, while art and music lessons are relegated to one hour per week. If nothing is going to done about this, I don’t understand while the government pumps in so much money for the Esplanade - Theatres on the Bay. Your children are not going to spend their time inside there. Instead, they're probably heading for the Indoor Stadium where they'd find more solace in a gig by some Taiwanese boyband.

You've heard of an Indian (rain) dance before. Have you heard of an Indian run?

No?

Well, here it is.

The idea is this: everybody forms up, crocodile formation. Everybody begins to run. To signal the actual event, the pair at the very front will shout, "Hoi! Hoi!" the loudest that they can. Once the pair at the very end hear the cry, they will SPRINT all the way to the front, to run in the position prior to where the people who had shouted are currently at. The first team that runs, and subsequently all the other pairs, will only shout "Hoi!" upon reaching their new position.

The downside: anybody shouts two "Hoi's" after the initial "Hoi! Hoi!", or anyone forgets to shout, constitutes to knock-it-downs for the entire company.

So we do this for our AHM training today. I'd say it's quite fun, rather than the usual cadence run with singing.

Halfway, Kel Wei makes the mistake of shouting, "Hoi! Hoi!". Everybody writhes their faces. We have to knock it down.

Thereafter, we finish the run without much event. Probably the next big thing is the sprint in pairs down the road outside our unit which leaves everybody gasping huge bouts of air.

Freedom - class essay

--- I ---

My father is in a damn bad mood.

My eleven-year-old brother pissed him off this morning by refusing to take his studies seriously. He has his end-of-term papers tomorrow, yet today he was still lazing around, doing unnecessary things - in other words, doing anything and everything that is not related to revision.

So he pissed my mother off first, then my father.

The thing is that, my mother recovers from her fit of anger more easily and more rapidly than my father. The burning fire can take a week to extinguish.

He's shown his temper in a variety of ways:

1. Slamming the newspapers onto the table after reading them

2. Sitting in the toilet for hours not to shit, but just to read the papers

3. Not touching his lunch at all (as I write this, it's close to dinnertime)

4. Refusing to pass me the kettle of water even as I put my hand forward as a sign that I want it

Sometimes I think my brother doesn't realise what he is doing is pissing people off. I can possibly throw a long list of misdeeds, which includes acting like Power Rangers or some action figure EVEN ON THE STREETS (embarrassing us in the process); standing in front of the television and blocking everyone behind it; being picky about food; running all over a public place while fuck-caring whoever is looking after him . . . the list goes on.

Then again, ironically, my parents still pamper him with treats here and there. I think it is a new direction in "Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child".

No, it should be re-phrased: "Spare the Rod while Spoiling the Child"

--- II ---

I've been digging at the score of "Red-Threaded Hearts". Megan and I have talked about a revival of the musical in the near future, possibly to be staged at the University Cultural Centre when we're all studying in NUS. Actually I shouldn't even use the word "revival", as the musical was banished even before it could appear on the stage.

I've been re-orchestrating all the existing songs. Flipping through the score that was to have been played on 27 March 2004 I realise that my writing really sucks. I could have been more adventurous. The instrument parts are fucking too simplistic. For instance, there are plenty of sustained notes. Boring. Now some of the songs are beginning to receive more "garang" orchestration, like "Girl from Bedok South". The old orchestration was never standardised. It was often in ambiguity as I struggled to find musicians while writing for a blind orchestra simultaneously. Now, I've created a template for all numbers in the musical:

1 Flute
1 Oboe
1 Clarinet
1 Alto Saxophone
1 Bassoon

1 Trumpet

2 Percussion (instruments of choice being: suspended cymbals, drum set, xylophone, vibraphone, tambourine, Chinese gong, Conga)

1 Classical Guitar/Electric Guitar
1 Bass Guitar/Electric Bass Guitar

1 Pianist

4 Violins
2 Violas
2 Violoncellos
1 Contrabassist

At the same time, I've been composing new songs. I feel there is a lack of songs in the original conception of the musical. In fact, much too little. Some of the soliloquies can be expressed through music, where the accompaniment and the melody can push out the feelings and the colours of the characters at that exact moment. One of the new songs I've finished writing and orchestrating is "Why", sung at the moment when Nana the Tiger Beer Girl creeps up to the coffin when nobody is at the wake and speaks to the late Uncle Kwok, telling him of her anguish that so many bad things have befallen upon her. Sometimes I realise I often place the wrong tunes for the wrong purposes. The tune for "Why" is taken from the third movement of "Temasek Symphonica", which I wrote for the TJC Kronos software. There, it is simply titled "Relationship". I don't know why, but there is some sad air surrounding the piece. Perhaps it's because the second part of the chorus switches to the minor mode, mirroring the major mode of the first part:

Harmonic structure of the chorus of "Why":

G Bm C/E Am7 C/D D Cm/D D7
Gm Bb F F7/Eb Dm Cm D7 G

And perhaps, like "Girl from Bedok South", it is representative of myself. Both songs have a poignant air to them. I don’t know how, but I seem to have a penchant for writing such pieces that tremble between sadness and happiness. I cannot write music that is absolutely sad; neither can I write pieces that are absolutely happy. Everything is somewhere in the middle. A word to use is probably "muted". Take "Xin Chao" for example. Yes, you can get high with it, but only till a certain degree that is still quite far from the top. The furthest of happiness I can ever get is probably the section on the Theatre Ship in the first movement of "Final Fantasy IX: A Symphonic Portrait".

Back to the musical: whether we will ever get to stage it in the near future, I don't know. I don't thing anybody really knows that I'm revising - or rather, re-writing the entire score - of the musical, and harbouring the dream to have it perform in a proper auditorium with a proper orchestra pit, and proper stage lighting and a proper sound system. Would anybody really be interested in it? It seems like I'm the only one interested in working on it. Almost all times my mind is set on how the music should go. I pondered over the orchestration of "Why" for almost one month, writing almost four versions before settling on the latest, confirmed one. Time and again, I keep going back to the already-written scores and then changing some instrument parts, or taking or adding notes here and there, or even rewriting how the climax should sound, as in the case for "I Tried".

I don't know if I'm a fool to work on a currently-defunct musical, with no affirmed plans for the future. But honestly, after entering the army I seem to have lost the penchant for dreaming up new themes - and themes that are interesting and memorable. In fact I take fucking long to write a score now. One is that being in a combat unit offers you insufficient quality time to sit down and really write a score. Mostly I have to do planning for new pieces in the camp, and only write when I return home during the weekends. That is what I look forward to when I book out of camp on a Saturday morning / afternoon or a Friday night.

Second, the constant bombardment of duple-time army songs threaten to kill my musical language. In fact, it's on its way to degradation. My MP3s and the CDs I own are morphine. To borrow a CD of music I rarely listen to, or never have heard before, is ecstasy. It's the only way to nourish my writing. When I see a score or listen to music, I am motivated to write. In fact, that's what drove me into composition when I was young, although I was never serious about this line of work then. I am threatened by an overflow of new ideas that rush through now and then, even while training. New pieces are being piled up on my waiting list like unsettled debt for the bank.

Why am I filling my blog now? I've written my scores to the point that I don't know I want to continue or not, because very soon I'll be returning to camp, which means that the score will not be touched for another few days more.

The Straits Times, 19 August 2004: Forum

"ARTS STUDENTS AT A DISADVANTAGE WHEN APPLYING TO ARTS FACULTY"
By EDWIN TAN CHOON BOON

As the new academic year starts in the National University of Singapore (NUS), one is reminded of the fierce competition fro places this year and its fallout.

As usual, hard-luck stories abound of arts-stream students from junior colleges failing to gain entry into the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS), and their oft-heard cry that they have been deprived of places by science-stream students.

There is some merit in that assertion, due to the inequalities of the system. A cap should be placed on the number of science students in FASS.

To begin with, there are far more science students than arts students. Due to the constant proportion of grades awarded, regardless of stream, this means that it is more likely for a science student to attain a certain grade than for an arts student because of the former's far greater numbers.

This translates into a system whereby for every one arts student, there are many more science students who have equivalent or better grades. This is an inequality in the system, as two students of the same calibre may get different grades simply because they were in different streams.

Also, it s a fact that many science students did not put FASS as their first choice, but still got into the faculty, due to their better grades. In contrast, there are many arts students who put FASS as their first choice but failed to get in.

A faculty's worth is measured by its students, and students who sincerely want to be in FASS are likely to be of more value to the faculty. On the other hand, science students are disadvantage in FASS, because their lack a grounding in the humanities, are unsure of their aptitude in the humanities as well as their field of study, and may lack the passion if FASS was not their first choice. This combination makes for mediocrity.

Lastly, another inequality in the system is that arts students have far fewer choices of faculties than science students. Entry into FASS is generally easier than for other faculties, so if the arts student fails to get into FASS despite putting it as his first choice, there are precious few options for him. For many, entry into the polytechnics has become their last resort, meaning that their A-level education has been wasted.

In view of the inequalities, it is only fair to enact some corrective action.

_____________________________________________________________________________


The real problem is: a University degree is becoming such a must-have that people are desperate to get into a course so that they can receive a paper and show it to their future employers. This is despite their capabilities and interests in the course they choose.

We've all heard of certain courses being second-grade, from the point of certain students. For example, law is the dumping ground for science students who cannot make it to medicine (correct me if I am wrong). These students have good grades capable of getting anywhere, but the figures just loose out in Faculty of Medicine. So, desperate to jump on the bandwagon which can lead to survival in this small city state, they close in for the kill on another course of prey (pun unintended).

So we've got students going to the wrong places. And when these students go to the wrong places, the students who ought to be rightfully in these places become course-less.

Let's take a look at the subjects offered in FASS:

ASIAN STUDIES
Chinese Language / Chinese Studies
Japanese Studies
Malay Studies
South Asian Studies
Southeast Asian Studies

HUMANITIES
English Language
English Literature
Theatre Studies
History
Philosophy

SOCIAL SCIENCE
Economics
Geography
Political Science
Psychology
Social Work
Sociology
Information and Communications Management

Sure, science students are able to handle some of the subjects, particularly those under the social sciences division. However, these subjects may not parallel to their interests, which are normally in the field of the pure sciences such as Physics, Chemistry and Biology. For the social sciences inject both sciences and humanities within, so there is a fair share of having to understand the surroundings and human nature, requiring some creative thought and the opening of one's eyes to the world, unlike the pure sciences, based on logic, the qualities and characteristics of the things being studied and whatever has been researched before. Science students in the Junior Colleges have been groomed in the direction of the latter. As far as I know, economics is probably the only humanities subject the majority of the science students take. There are very few cross-faculty personnel who take History and Geography together with the sciences. Therefore how can we believe that (pure) science students are not making a wrong choice in joining FASS? Yes, they may have the interest, but it cannot be matched with those who have been in the arts stream in JC. Arts students pick the arts mainly because they have an interest in the humanities and the arts. An art student will not be ashamed of being in that stream, commonly looked down upon by other people as playing second fiddle to the more prestigious and more future-worthy science stream.

Therefore it is only right that more arts students deserve places in FASS. Their passion and drive for the subjects offered make sense for their presence.

Mr Tan proposes some corrective action: I am in support. There should be a restrictive limit to the number of science students admitted into the faculty, unless on the condition that the science student is very interested in the arts and has an affinity for the humanities. Perhaps it could be that he was forced into the science stream in his JC days, when he truly wants to take the arts? There can be no discrimination: everyone should follow one's passion. Passion should lead the way in what we do things, because it creates highly-motivated, hardworking, and efficient workers. It should not be that we do things because we are forced to. We may end up living a lifestyle of riches and comfort due to the wealth that our line of work brings in, but if we do not like that occupation, it is only that we suffer in silence within a lavish lifestyle.

Saw this on the fridge; Mother took it from some old issue of the Straits Times. Perhaps this will make your barbecues an improved culinary experience?

FOR THE BEST BARBEQUE:

Marinate the meat with herbs and spices overnight.

Be adventurous with the selection of herbs and spices such as lemongrass, fresh coriander root, ginger juice.

Add sugar only when ready to barbecue. Use honey for added flavour.

Wash emptied sardine cans and use them as covers when barbecuing steaks. This way, you can trap the steam in and the result is a tender and juicy steak that gives off a "barbecued" flavour.

Use aluminium foil to wrap a whole fish. Sear it on the barbecue. The fish skin will have a good texture while its meat maintains a pleasant softness.

Two articles from Reader's Digest, April 2004 issue:

* * *

MARKETING FOR BEGINNERS (filler at the end of the article "Spider Man", Pg 91)

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you say to her, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and say to her, "I'm rich. Marry me." She slaps your face. That's Customer Feedback.

* * *

HONESTLY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? (Pg 70)

(Reader's Digest asked more than 1600 people across Asia how they would act if faced with ten everyday dilemmas)

Q1
As you leave the supermarket, you realise that the cashier has given you US$10 too much in change. Would you return and give the money back?

YES / NO

Q2
You think you can get away with paying less tax if you conceal some of your income on your annual tax return. Would you do so?

YES / NO

Q3
You need some envelopes and pens for your family's personal use. Would you take them from the supply at your office?

YES / NO

Q4
You find a wallet in the street with US$50 inside, as well as an address and a phone number. Would you return it to the owner?

YES / NO

Q5
You see your best friend's husband/wife having what appears to be a romantic dinner with a stranger. Would you feel obliged to tell your friend what you have seen?

YES / NO

Q6
The towels in your hotel bathroom are very attractive. Would you put one in your suitcase and walk away with it?

YES / NO

Q7
A friend offers you an illegal copy of an expensive computer software for free. Would you accept it and install it on your own computer for free?

YES / NO

Q8
While dropping off a file on an absent colleague's desk, you see a statement for his bank account. Would you take a quick look?

YES / NO

Q9
You are applying for a job but do not have the exact qualification. Do you embellish your resume knowing that you can quickly learn the skill if you get the job?

YES / NO

Q10
You are shopping in a large department store when you see someone sneak an item into their bag. Do you alert security?

YES / NO

20 SIMPLE QUESTIONS

1. Do you believe that love is forever?

Family love is forever.
Married love can last only if the people who tie the knot can make it happen, and when the people who wish to tie to knot really decide that yes, this is the person they want to spend their entire life with.
Stead love can last only if the people involved have a strong relationship with one another, and that means a very sincere effort to love the other person.
Above all, love should not arise out of physical looks, or to put oneself on the bandwagon of finding a girlfriend/boyfriend.

2. Do you get hurt by people easily?

No, I get pissed off by them instead. I only get hurt when they say bad things about the work that I have done, not about myself.

3. Do you believe that all people are generally good at heart?

Yes; only that most of the time they fail to expose that goodness. It only takes one bad person's influence to release the evil within everyone, even those who can be good.

4. Can you be anyone you want to be?

I just want to be myself.

5. Do mean people make you sad?

Isn't that like Question 2? No, they piss me off such that I want to punch them back in the face.

6. Does ice cream make you happy?

Rather.

7. Do you sing in the shower?

Yes. But it's more like singing a new composition I have planning out in my head while showering.

8. When it rains, do you like to splash in the puddles?

No. I hate getting my shoes wet.

9. If you see a pretty girl walk down the street, do you smile and tell her she's pretty?

No. It's better to mind your own business, or you'll get slapped on the face.

10. Do you notice when people have pretty eyes?

I feel uncomfortable staring at people directly into the eyes.

11. Have you ever cried at a movie?

No. Besides, the last movie I watched was "A Bug's Life" in 1998. How do you cry at a cartoon?

12. Is it cute when old people are holding hands?
Yeah, sort of. There's also a larger meaning to it: their relationship is strong, and it has survived all those years. It's something worth admiring and respecting.

13. Are you a happy person?

No. How can an NSF ever be a happy person, unless you get into that kind of slack vocation?

14. Do you tend not to worry, even when you know something bad is about to happen?

No. I'm a pessimist.

15. Is it okay to cut off Barbie's hair?

I don't play with Barbie. But unless you believe in those stuff, better not cut off her hair.

16. Have you ever laughed so hard your stomach hurt?

No, I hiccup and tears roll down my cheeks. Then people think I've been crying.

17. Was it recently?

Nope. How many people can laugh till that extent while serving the nation?

18. Are you slightly lazy?

Before starting any work. I'm a procrastinator. But once I get myself into the bottom of things there's no way anyone can stop me and make me rest.

19. Do you like to drive with the windows down?

I don't drive, but yes, I like to have the windows down in the car when the air-conditioner is not turned on.

20. If you have twenty dollars, are you rich?

Yes. Money is so valuable to me; twenty dollars is good enough for me to spend a weekend. I don't really spend a lot of money; usually it's only for food.

I borrow four never-heard-before CDs from the Esplanade Library today.

Film music buffs, take a look at Shostakovich. Do not belittle him next to John Williams or Hans Zimmer for that matter. Shostakovich's music for the screen is just as individualistic as his serious works. In fact, the wit and sarcasm from his serious works can just be found in the film scores. His marches are not Pomp and Circumstance, rather, a parody of the great Communist music with discords here and there. Sometimes the music is irresistibly cute, as if Shostakovich had been grinning with glee at the film while writing the music.

Paul McCartney is another respected persona in music, not just as a rock band performer and songwriter, but also a serious composer. That is what the music industry should be producing, not some hip hop trash or boob-flasher like Britney Spears, or simply game up on cheapskate boy bands that seem to be saturating up the performance marketplace. The Idol series should be taking aim at this, cultivating musicians and performers who are truly dedicated to their art and are constantly expanding and experimenting and crossing boundaries.

"Standing Stone" is based on a poem in a Celtic setting. There is an extremely beautiful central theme; I don't know how to describe it in words, but it simply lifts your heart to the zenith. It is sweet and fragile when played by the flute, and accompanied by the harp. It is rousing and inspiring when the entire orchestra plays it, the melody being led by the strings playing in doubled octaves in the high range. Even more angelic and heavenly when the choir joins in with a rush of the timpani and cymbals.

20th century music knows no boundaries. Tan Dun's opera "The Peony Pavilion" is scored for a small ensemble, including electric instruments. You could possibly think of it as some rock band performance, or even a musical. He constantly uses a rhythm that could be mistaken to have come from an acapella piece, or a pop ballad. As usual, Tan's instrumentation mixes his Eastern origins with the West, incorporating the pipa, synthesiser, Chinese drums, to name but a few.

Charles Ives' Second Symphony is just pure fun. He throws in the very songs he knows, such as "Camptown Races" and "Yankee Doodle". The tunes are not very obvious, though. He reworks them such that they seem like they were composed by Ives himself. Nevertheless you can still hear faint renditions of parts of the original songs. It represents one of the voices of American music, the others being the Cowboy West by Aaron Copland and Ferde Grofe and the jazzy East of George Gershwin and Leonard Bernstein.

Catching segments of the NDP, people like Joshua Wan and Phoon Yew Tien must be feeling extremely proud at this very moment.

Why?

Because Joshua Wan is the music composer for this year's NDP.

Because Phoon Yew Tien re-arranged the National Anthem, which was subsequently recorded by the Singapore Symphony Orchestra under the baton of Mr Lim Yau.

And I feel so jealous that I am stuck in the far end of Singapore doing sai kang for the armour regiments.

The greatest dream is to let my music be heard by Singaporeans, and to know that the stuff that I write contribute to the success of the performance which will leave many memories in those who watch it.

But being an armoured pioneer, I doubt I can get very far.

If only I am in MDC, who are at the frontline of the parade's show segment.

* * *

I saw the SYO on the stage. I think I caught sight of Emz in the double bass section, standing at the farthest right of the conductor's view of the orchestra during the playing of the National Anthem. Emz, do correct me if I'm wrong.

There is a contrast between what is winning sovereignty on one's own, and gaining independence because one had no choice. We're following the latter. People called "Nationalists" don't seem to exist on this island nation. Partially we couldn't fight for independence because the British wanted to cling on to us to feed themselves.

Put an X next to the option you identify yourself with.

[ ] I wish I was a different ethnicity.
[ ] I have an eating disorder.
[ ] I am short.
[x] I am tall.
[ ] I think I'm really attractive.
[ ] I prefer winter over summer.
[x] I am a geek.
[ ] I am a shopaholic.
[x] I am reasonably intelligent.
[ ] I am attracted to girls.
[ ] I am attracted to boys...
[ ] I like British accents.
[ ] I smoke regularly.
[ ] I smoke socially.
[ ] I drink socially.
[ ] I drink regularly.
[ ] I get drunk easily.
[ ] I do drugs.
[ ] I will never date a bad kisser
[ ] I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
[ ] I brush my hair at least 50 times a night.
[ ] I am extremist religious.
[ ] I am not extreme religious but have faith.
[x] I lie frequently.
[x] I am impulsive.
[x] I am hardworking.
[ ] I liked Ville Valo of His Infernal Majesty
[ ] "She's All That" is one of my favourite movies.
[ ] I am good at History.
[ ] I speak more than two languages.
[x] I enjoy taking pictures.
[ ] I like spending money on myself.
[x] I like spending money on others.
[x] I have a regular income.
[ ] I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
[ ] I pay my own bills.
[x] I rely on my parents for money.
[ ] I can cook.
[ ] I enjoy cleaning.
[ ] Tidyness is a must in my life.
[x] I like clutter.
[ ] My idea of good music is AFI
[ ] I have heard of Blonde Redhead.
[ ] I enjoy Blonde Redhead.
[ ] I am fashion-conscious.
[ ] I have good taste.
[ ] People tell me I have good taste.
[ ] I excel academically.
[x] I am told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
[ ] I am good at sports.
[ ] I am good at certain sports.
[ ] I couldn't do sports to save my life. :D
[x] I am creative.
[x] I am artistically inclined.
[ ] I want to be a photographer when I grow up.
[ ] I want to be a fashion designer when I grow up.
[ ] I eat when I'm upset.
[ ] I cannot adapt to change.
[x] I am interested in politics.
[ ] I have shoplifted.
[x] I download MP3s.
[ ] I have done underage drinking.
[ ] I have gone underage clubbing.
[ ] I can dance reasonably well.
[ ] I can dance extremely well.
[ ] I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
[ ] I can sing.
[x] I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
[x] I can swim.
[ ] I enjoy surveys.
[x] I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
[x] I keep a journal.
[ ] My teachers don't like me.
[ ] I enjoy controversy.
[x] I can be a bitch/bastard.
[ ] I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
[ ] I have tattoos.
[ ] I've been in a nudist colony.
[x] I'm not sure if I want to have children.
[x] I'm not sure if I'll get married.
[ ] I know who I want to marry.
[ ] Someone has a crush on me
[ ] I am interesting. HAH!
[ ] I am a good liar. (Actually, an average one)
[x] People enjoy talking to me.
[x] I annoy people from time to time.
[ ] I am a born leader.
[ ] I am a born leader but shouldn't lead.
[ ] I've snuck out of the house.
[ ] I enjoy felching. (?!?!?!?WTF!!)
[ ] I have a foot fetish.
[ ] I have a shoe fetish.
[ ] I watch Sex And The City.
[ ] I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
[ ] I want to be J Lo.
[ ] I cut myself.
[x] I have cut myself.
[x] I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
[ ] I hate popular people.
[ ] I think cheerleading is a sport.
[ ] I am photogenic.
[ ] I live in Chucks.
[x] I think graffiti is art.
[ ] I have dated a criminal.
[x] I have been cheated on.
[ ] I have cheated on someone.
[x] I have a temper.
[ ] I like playgrounds.
[ ] I dance in the rain.
[ ] I am obsessed with Shakespeare.
[x] I have tanlines.
[ ] My fav color is pink
[x] My fav color is black.
[x] I would classify myself as emotional. (But only to a small percentage)
[x] Im musically inclined.
[x] I like listening to music.
[ ] I like music-blasting cars.
[x] I like flip-flops.
[x] I know what monogamy is
[x] ... and I believe in it.
[ ] I want to be a social worker when I grow up.
[x] I have siblings
[x] . . . and they annoy me
[ ] I think South Parks funny

--- I ---

I've just drunk my worst-ever teh-halial.

As usual, on the way home after booking out, I stop by the Malay eating house to get my packet of ginger tea. When I got it last week the quality was fine.

Today it is terribly diluted. I am drinking ginger water with a few tea leaves scattered inside to flavour things up.

Unsatisfied, I return back to the Malay drinks stall at the Block 14 Hawker Centre when I go to cut my hair for another packet of tea. Ah, yes, that's more like it. The brew is rich and strong, the colour a darker shade of light brown.

So much for the perfectionist in me.

--- II ---

Arts Central featured the Last Night at the Proms 2003 on television tonight.

By the time I tune in, the orchestra has just begun to play Elgar's Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1, the staple finale for all Proms concerts. Leonard Slatkin takes the BBC Symphony Orchestra at an exciting speed for the first part of the work. Even members of the audience are dancing to the music.

Then comes the famous trio, i.e. Land of Hope and Glory. Now it's slow, but steady. The tone is richly warm; you can feel the soft majesty and inner pride.

Drum roll and crescendo. The choir bursts out singing the song itself, with the audience singing along proudly and unabashedly. All over the Royal Albert Hall, flags are being waved about. The goose pimples stand up on my skin. I just wish I am there, sharing in the moment of jubilation.

The atmosphere is party-like; you could mistake the Last Night of the Proms for a rock concert, except that you have a symphony orchestra on the stage instead of a rock band. The people directly in front of the stage are standing; some dressed with party hats and other knick-knacks. There are balloons, flags, whatever toys. Even the conductor's stand is decorated. On the basket used to contain the scores, there is a sheet of paper with just three words: "Love thine enemy".

Not what you would expect out of a serious symphony concert.

Next, the orchestra plays Sir Henry Wood's (the originator of the Proms) fantasy on some English folk tunes. You've got to laugh at the final piece, which is the sailors' tune epitomised in the Popeye cartoons. Everyone tries to have a bit of fun. They do knee bends as the tune is played. At the end of the phrase somebody in a captain's suit raises his motor horn and blasts it: "Parp-parp!"

The orchestra doesn't loose out on the fun either. The violinists try to add discordant notes at the accented points in the melody (if you know the tune, it goes something like: da-da-da-da da-da-da-da da BAM BAM da-da da-da-da-da etc)

The melody repeats and repeats itself. As it does so, the tempo increases until the piece is moving like some bullet train. Yet the playing is perfectly steady and clean. The musicians seem to gum so well that as they pick up speed they take on the new tempo at the same pace with each other. Leonard Slatkin takes a very clean ending: one swipe of his baton and the orchestra ends with two feet on the ground at the exact same time.

Perfect.

Of especial notice: there are three other locations celebrating the Last Night of the Proms concurrently. Besides the Royal Albert Hall, there is Hyde Park, Swansea and Glasgow. All linked by high-tech communications equipment. Choirs perform a selection of pieces, one after another, at each of the three locations.

The grand finale: the singing of Auld Lang Syne and God Save the Queen. The British really know how to enjoy themselves, indulge themselves in music, and love their country.

Britain doesn't have a very long tradition of music, as compared to Germany and Austria. The British were so busy acquiring territories and building up their empire that they neglected their musical heritage, even when music still abounded during the Baroque period when Handel moved to London. British music really surfaced again during the nineteenth century, with people like Elgar, Sir Henry Wood, and thereafter Benjamin Britten, Vaughan Williams and so on. Watching the British at the Proms tonight, it is a scene which can never be repeated in Singapore. Let's not even talk about an SSO concert. Even at a rock concert, if fans want to really let themselves loose, they are forbidden to do so, thanks to entertainment laws. Spectators must be seated and not perform any movement throughout the concert. I cannot remember which singer or band it was, but the organiser was fined because audiences got up to dance and tried to get into close contact with the performers. To put it in simpler terms, the audience must be seated, shut up and just listen to the music. If they want to dance or act like monkeys they must go to the pub or bar.

Even the audiences of a symphony concert are rather dead people. No one really bothers to give a standing ovation. Even their applause is mildly enthusiastic, like someone is watching them with a stern eye lest their favour gets out of hand.

And are Singaporeans patriotic enough? It doesn't need a patriot to sing national songs passionately. Just compare the way the songs are arranged, and the settings in which they are sung. The British arrangements are rich and rousing, including that of "God Save the Queen", which is the national anthem. Even their other alternative anthems are well loved, such as "Land of Hope and Glory". At the Royal Albert Hall, and at the other three locations, when the national anthem is sung, everybody opens their mouth and sings with pride and passion; everybody knows their lyrics. "Majulah Singapura" isn't sung like that. Most people wouldn’t really bother to sing, except if forced to. And if they sing it usually is pretty muted.

Even in TJC: nobody really sings the college anthem. I myself don't even remember the lyrics, although the melody is almost stuck in my head because I once used motifs from the song for "Temasek Sinfonietta". Perhaps the arrangement is just pretty dull, uninspiring. No matter how good an ensemble plays it, it can't bring out the ecstasy an anthem should carry.

THE NEXT DAY . . .

Somewhere in the Great Outdoors . . .

The temperature has dropped to some crazy number which could fit the conditions of Beijing or Moscow in the winter. I have to curl myself up like a worm to warm myself a little. It is probably the longest night I have ever spent outfield. Worse than those outback trips in BMT. This morning, I have to contend with insect bites and the resultant itches, as well as chilling temperatures that could probably bring about hypothermia.

I am very anxious: are they going to begin the mission at the time stated (about three in the morning or so)? The previous experience of constructing obstacles in the middle of the night has put me off. It is dark; everyone is tired; the only thing on our minds is sleep. Nothing but sleep.

Thank goodness there is nothing for us trainees. The commanders are called for a briefing in the middle of the night.

Day begins to break. Everyone is called up. Everything on. Move to the tonner to board. Breakfast will be a concurrent activity as we head off for the first site where we will construct our obstacles.

* * *

Fast forward till afternoon. Ten minutes before one (the deadline, after which we are supposed to have lunch and switch roles and vehicles), we are all dead tired from constructing our obstacles. The weather is extremely hot. Think of those pictures of American troops in the Iraqi desert, trying to do a good deed based on their manifest destiny for those once-oppressed people. We're like them, minus the second part.

We are the first to arrive at the stipulated training shed. We unload the tonner to prepare the switch to tanks, and eat our lunch. Everyone is fussing over the menu. Some types of combat rations are infamous for being ill-tasting, while others are reputed to be high-grade cuisine. Instant noodles are eaten like the snack MAMEE. The MSG packet is torn open and its contents poured into the pre-fried noodles. The block of noodles is crushed and shaken to spread the seasoning. Then we simply eat whatever that is the product of our preparatory work.

Almost everybody drops off to sleep after the meal. Some of us are still hungering for more. Like me, the ever greedy pig. So the few of us share the extra food. I consume another noodle packet and another combat ration, and half of the dessert. You could say lunch times two. Thereafter, feeling drowsy, I drop off to sleep like the others.

* * *

I wake up hours later with a terrible headache. Like someone played a prank on me while I was asleep and wrapped a rubber band around my brain. I'm outfield and I have two missions to complete ahead of me. The wrong time for the wrong thing to happen. I'm tasked with one of the heavier responsibilities in the mission. It includes a lot of running. I am not sure if I can tolerate all the strenuous activities that are to come with my present condition. I tell Sergeant Elson. I cannot keep it quiet, fuck the whole thing up, and pull everybody in the section down the drain. Sergeant Elson is a little shocked; he tells me to see the medic. I ask for two Panadols. Back to sleep, with the hope that the headache can cure off.

I wake up; the rest of the company has arrived. There is only a slight improvement in my condition. I'm half-concussed and half-awake. I feel sick. During the talk by the conducting officer the only thing on my mind is to go to sleep. The "twenty-seconds-assemble-outside-the-training-shed" thing by the conducting captain seems to help.

But on the tank, on the trip to the mission site, I concuss again. Honestly I cannot figure out what happened during the journey. We are supposed to return to the site of the obstacles which we created. The trip from the training shed is a mere five minutes. We find ourselves stuck on the tank for what seems like hours. The tank moves, stops for ages. Sergeant WH keeps getting off and on the tank. Half-conscious, I barely make out the signal set onboard being in an unfit condition, like this sick fellow on the tank, almost dying but still trying to work. The sky outside darkens gradually. From the considerable brightness of the late afternoon, the sky dims to the darkened hues that of the evening. At the beginning I cannot lean my head against the headrest properly; the helmet acts like some obstacle. I keep shifting positions. I am fine with the tightness of leg space in the cabin, but for the upper part of my body I must find one which allows me to hold my weapon safely, and to lean back comfortably. I finally settle leaning towards my right of the seat, where the fattest part of the SBO (which is directly behind me) pushes itself through a gap between the seat and a wall of the cabin compartment. The helmet is also suspended through this gap, which makes sleeping less of a pain. My weapon I place it in between my legs. One hand grabs the rifle; the other holds onto the handle of the door (not the operating lever, which could fling me to disability if I accidentally opened it in my sub-conscious state). I do not belt up for the purpose of rapid dismounting.

Somewhere in the darkness, I hear the shout of "Exercise cut!" from Sergeant WH. Sergeant Henry (who is in the driver's seat) screams "RTU (Return to Unit)!" It is the one thing everybody loves while being out in the field. Like ORD, it is a loved and highly-respected acronym in the army.

Suddenly I'm awake. Alive. My eyelids are thrust open. Zhiwei (sitting in the seat opposite me) and I are celebrating in our hearts. The mission has been cancelled even before it begins. I have no clear idea of what really happened in the planning side, but then the tanks all got lost on their way from the training shed to the obstacle site and a lot of time was wasted. Nevertheless, we speed past what was the place we built our obstacles earlier in the day (and what was supposed to be our destination) and back to the camp.

So that's it for our first ever exercise. Quite relaxed, if you look at the schedule. With the appropriate conditions, such as the lack of treacherous insects, the availability of a tank and cool weather with clouds in the sky, the exercise would actually have been a breeze for us. We had ample resting time. The only thing we really did was to build the obstacles, and that is the hardest and most draining component of the entire event. Think about doing construction work with helmet, SBO and rifle on at all times. Even the Bangladeshi worker performs his task with only a lightweight helmet, and the most comfortable clothing of his choice. He doesn't have a stupid bag on his body, and an even greater elephant: a rifle (which is supposed to save our lives in case we get attacked while working, but what can it do against an artillery or plane bombardment at our worksite?).